Lately, I've been spending a good chunk of time in Albion, which has been enjoyable. Last night, however, I was struck with a profound realization about the game, and my time with it. All things considered, it may be the most immersive role-playing experience that I've ever had with a videogame... and the experience kind of hit me from behind out of nowhere. Without further ado, I bring you my memoirs, as they stand so far... (spoiler-free, as far as the main questline goes)
After the childhood intro, my real game starts in a small gypsy village. I've got some shitty weapons, cheap-ass clothes, and my own little wagon with a mat in the back. The first question on my mind, naturally, is how to get laid. I wander around town for a few minutes, where everyone seems pretty fond of me. I fumble around with the expression system, accidentally offending a few folks, and farting at some kids. I whistle at the first attractive young woman that I see, and a white heart pops up over her head. That was easy, let's get it on!
No such luck, apparently... at least, I don't know how. She seems nice enough, so I try out the rest of the "Flirty" expressions in my repertoire. A few minutes later, the white heart turns red, and she's asking me for a wedding ring. Um... wow. Thanks? I think it's time to, uh, quest. Yeah, important quest. Ciao!
Off I go, into the world. Magic and mystery, fire and knives, grand adventure, all that. I make my way to the "big city." Man, and I thought the gypsy girls were easy. Every woman in this game LOVES me. It is... a little uncomfortable. I've got plenty of options for being mean, but the place is just lifelike enough to make me feel bad doing them. I still have no idea how to bed any of these willing ladies, but I flirt with them just the same. Approximately 15 women want to marry me, half of which are already housewives. I feel a little dirty.
More exploration and adventure follows. I find a bookstore, presumably pornographic, and learn the "Come Back to My Place" expression from what I read there. Finally!
It turns out that most girls want a ring on their finger before business time. Gypsy girls are easy, though, right? Back home I go... and it turns out I'm right! Nadya is all about the boom-boom. A menu pops up to ask if I'd like protection, but the option is grayed out, since I never bought any condoms. Risky business!
Thankfully, I dodged a bullet there. No STDs, no kiddies. Nadya seems happy, even after I wake up and run off to kill more hobbes with nary a word. My dog finds a condom buried in the wilderness. I use it to bang a woman of dubious morals in the city. I go to the barber and get a beard and a new haircut. I buy myself an eyepatch and some new pants. I put on a shirt I got from killing bandits. I am midaevil Snake Plisskin, to an impressive degree. I learn to blacksmith, and chop wood. I buy meat pies, and fruit pies, and beef jerky... all of which heal my damage after combat. It occurs to me, in retrospect, that there is a reason to buy vegetables and fruit instead of pies and beef jerky, as I am now quite rotund. I buy some crisp celery and spring water.
Adventure continues, and my mysterious benefactor tells me to finish any business I have, as I may not return from my next mission anytime soon. I grab a couple of side-quests, one of which takes me back to my hometown gypsy village, being attacked by bandits. I kill them, of course. Nadya is there, and very greatful. That red heart shines so eagerly over her head, but she isn't pushy and whiny like those housewives in the city. I think about the mission ahead, evil and danger in far-off lands; at the same time I'm struck with a bit of nostalgia for the girl who made me a man. She seems to like my beard. It's really easy to get married.
A night of marital bliss. This is my beautiful new wife... and they're asking if I want to use protection? Pshaw. It's also really easy to father a child.
In the morning, I'm asked to set the daily gold allowance for my household, which will partially determine my family's happiness. I'm not sure what's appropriate, so I set it at 50. It turns out that Nadya would have been happy with 15, but I don't go back and change it. My son's name is Frank, apparently. I loves it when I play the lute, and he cries if I fart.
I should move on... evil is afoot, and I'm the chosen one, and all that. I feel a little guilty... my wife and child are living out of a glorified wagon. I've heard there's good money in bartending. I walk around town, and all the red-heart women are still following me. I don't flirt anymore, it doesn't seem right. I spend an hour bartending, an exteremly tedious and boring minigame. In the end, I am a five-star bartender, and I've made enough money to buy the bar, which should turn a pretty nice profit over time. There's a nice little house down the road.
It's well past midnight now, on a weeknight, and I have to save and quit. Tomorrow, I will work a little more, make enough gold to buy that little cottege. Nadya should be happier there while I'm away. Maybe Frank could use a sister.
No mention of your stunning henchman, joining the fray and aiding in the do-gooding on Saturday night? Bah; she was a trollop, anyhow.
The funniest part of our session is that I was sitting there thinking, "I'm detracting from his single-player experience." It proves how ridiculous a feature it is when a game like this is clearly designed to be an immersive single-player RPG. Perhaps if you actually had trouble slaying something, some assistance might be useful, but as it stands, I was more in the way than anything.
When I had a drink on Wednesday night, I sat with a co-worker who squealed with delight when she saw a Fable II commercial and told me she promised herself she'd play one of her other games to completion before she bought a new one. I had written this game off (because the first incarnation pissed me off so much) but hearing both your assessment and her anticipation makes me wonder if I should give the game another look.
Furthermore, while you feel the urge to do good things, I am feeling the urge to be very, very, naughty...
Posted by: MalevolentDragon | October 31, 2008 at 05:44 AM
I committed myself to being good in my game. I found a housewife in the big city and made her *my* housewife. Only I hadn't learned the "come back to my place" gesture. I left adventuring and I could look up my family status even when far away. What was my status? "Your wife wants sex."
Later, I was in a small town and trying to open a demon door. The giant stone face kept talking wistfully about love. It wanted to see an expression of love. So I led over a local woman who adored me and tried to find the right gesture to show my love. Only...I had yet to learn about blowing kisses. So, I resigned myself to a life of bigamy, and proposed. This demon door still wasn't impressed.
Walking off to find my second marital home...I discovered I had proposed to the wrong woman! I quickly fixed that with another proposal--which made the first woman furious! She followed me and the new wife around, loudly complaining about my infidelity.
What was I to do? I led her to the wilderness where she watched me slay a party of bandits, and afterwards she "had an accident" with a "lightning spell" that....only left a charred skeleton behind.
I overcame that black stain of immorality, and I now sport a halo, my hair and beard is bleached blond from my holiness. Oh, and each of my wives has given me the same thing: one son, and one STD.
Posted by: John A | October 31, 2008 at 11:55 AM